Tuesday, 15 December 2009

One of my best pomes

I used to write silly verses a lot, for people that I worked with, friends, etc. Writing one for Sparkle and the kind comments it received made me think I would share the one I wrote about the exhausting months we spent trying to get OH's dentures sorted out. His own private dentist said nothing could be done but my dentist at the time, who was NHS said he would give it a go. However, how he wanted to do things was not how the NHS wanted him to do them and he had to go along with their suggestion even though he wasn't very pleased about being over ruled in his judgement of the best way to deal with the situation. So this is what I wrote, with some names changed to protect the innocent.

There's a feller known as Hubby who has lost a lot of teeth
'Twas not that he was careless or the victim of a thief
But just that as a nipper and a small evacuee
The mobile dentist yanked one for his even smaller fee
The school's dentist that followed was a brutal sort of guy
He yanked another front one, but Hubby did not cry
From then it simply escalated and the rot set in
And one by one his toofypegs were put into the bin.

Fast forward now by 60 years and see that gappy smile.
He has a set of dentures and he wears them for a while.
But Wifey makes him bashful 'cos whenever they're on show
She says it cheers her up no end by laughing, don't you know.
By now he goes to Blankburgh where the steps are far too steep
To get into the surgery risks landing in a heap
But Wifey's dentist says "No probs, I'll take you, NHS
My goodness Mr Person, you really are a mess
I'll solve your dental problems with a bridge of strange design
The technicalities are naught when you have skill like mine.
But first we'll have to clear it past the dental boarding man"
(I know that isn't grammar but I couldn't make it scan)

A trip to sunny Stowmarket was called for at this juncture
And that was fine except that Hubby's wheelchair got a puncture
The man we saw was some sort of investigative dentist
He hummed and hawed and tutted and he sucked his teeth and hissed
"I think your dentist's optimism has to be admired
Do you concur with what he says?", and Hubby, who was tired
Said, "I'm not sure I understand just what it will entail"
So the dental man explained it. Hubby started looking pale.

The upshot of all this was that it didn't quite get passed.
They didn't say "No way" but Hubby's dentist was aghast.
"We'll have to find a specialist to look at you some more.
It really is a nuisance and frankly quite a bore."
The Hospital in Norwich had a chap to fit the bill
So off to them we trekked, more miles, more parking, what a thrill.
More X-rays too, that's good thought I, dear Hubby, do not pout.
They'll make it very easy for them if the lights go out
For then your teeth will glow, so radiated will they be
If the surgery's plunged in darkness by your light they still will see.

"A bridge too far" the surgeon said, unable to resist
That corny joke and I thought "I am glad I did desist
From saying that, although I thought it more than once or twice"
Our reaction to the comment made the room feel full of ice.
"But all is not quite lost my friend, I have another plan
And if your dentist's up for it then he's a brave, brave man"
Our dentist didn't like it but he bit the bullet hard
"I'll try", he said, "but it's not how I wanted to retard
The crumbling of your gnashers. I'll do the best I can
To implement the dental boarding man's fantastic plan"

The treatment was extensive, Hubby started looking haunted
And every time the dentist said, "It wasn't what I wanted"
We drove to "B-Town" several times, and to get those lovely smiles
We must have travelled very nearly one whole thousand miles.
The dentist hacked and drilled as if he worked down a coal mine
"If we'd done it how I wanted then it would have been just fine"
He pulled and pushed and moulded like an baker kneading dough
"They should have done it my way, then all this would be just so"

Then bits fell off and splintered and it all had to be mended
"This never would have happened if we'd done what I intended"
Then the lovely dentures took a grip that would not yield
Poor Hubby thought his chewing days were over, his fate sealed.
But he wiggled and he jiggled and at last the teeth were free
"This never would have happened if you'd listened up to me"

By now you will have realised the dentist was not happy
To have been over ridden, he thought Dental Boards were.... horrid
But Hubby kept his temper, a paragon of calm
A feller with a dental drill can do a lot of harm
And to be fair he does get through a steak now, once a week
And at his gold bits he's prepared to offer you a peek
And Wifey has got used to seeing such a dazzling smile
And managed to stop laughing, which she did for quite a while

The moral of this story, well to the children I would say
Be warned of what might happen if you don't floss twice a day.

1 comment:

  1. I love it! Brilliant, as I read it I had the most amazing pics in my head, so descriptive and such a funny tale of something which was not quite so funny at the time I'm sure!